tiptoes.

The universe has a weird way of saying it's sorry...

This past week has been a doozy.

For almost 6 months, I’ve felt between here and there. Living in NYC, but still tied to NC. Back and forth (mentally, if not psychically) every single day. The last week, I found out I was laid off from my job at Duke. Beyond the fact that I was sad to leave a fantastic job,  with great benefits and an idyllic office where everyone not only got along, but enjoyed each others company, it also meant that it was no longer easy to go back to Durham. I couldn’t just say “Oh, well my job really needs me,” when I really meant “Oh, this city is just too harsh.”

And for some reason, that change melted all of my ties. My nearest and dearest are now “friends from NC” instead of “friends from home.” I will see my family on holidays, instead of every Sunday dinner. My freelance clients now have 212 area codes. I now had to put both feet in NYC, which is scary, but I wouldn’t trade it.

I haven’t even been up here for 6 months and so far I’ve found out secrets about Grand Central Station. Have one of the YES Men for a professor. Am starting to make true friends - the kind that don’t hesitate to call me out on my shit. I’m currently figuring out, not when or how I’m going to Sri Lanka/India/UAE/Thailand, but for how long. I’m trying to decide if I should go for an internship at the UN, the Human Rights Watch, or maybe MTV just for the heck of it. I’ve learned the basics of two programming languages, can build a basic website in less than a day, and am well on my way to figuring how to turn on a light on and off with a circuit I built completely by myself. And in less than 2 months have found a collaborator and an overwhelming amount of support for my thesis - which is the whole reason I’m in NYC in the first place.

NYC doesn’t just give you such things. In most cases you have to fight, consider which connection you have will be most powerful, and stand out an edge with 100 people pushing on your back and hope that your lucky star also includes a rope ladder.

In my calculations, the Universe and I are tied (4-4) this week:

• I lost my job, but I got half a dozen cupcakes
• I got hit by a guy on the bus, but I got an amazing, giant zebra head
• My courses for spring got messed up, but I got a trophy that says “Code Ninja”
• It took 30 e-mails to get support for a grant, but the two who responded, not only said yes, but emphatically offered all the support they could

Losing my job has also given me pause to look back over the last 2.5 years - all of the ups and downs, promises and regrets, the connections I’ve lost and gained. As with most things in my life - finishing high school, becoming a house wife (former, not present), leaving home - it looks like my Saturn returned early. Those two years of tumult caught me off guard, uprooted me and set me back down exactly where I need to be.

Was it worth it? Yes it is.